kamisokay: (Default)
2025-02-03 10:37 pm

complaining again

I wish I had my own room.

I've wished to have my own room since I was a child. I mean, I still am a child. Not to anyone anymore. if that's the case, adult women need their own space!
I remember watching TV shows with girl's my age now and their rooms had green walls and pink curtains. They had a closet full of clothes they liked to wear, and they'd invite their friends over to have slumber parties. They got to lock their doors and be alone with themselves whenever they wanted.

But those are just TV shows. I share a room with my sister. I've been forced to share a room with her for the entirety of my teenage years. The last time I had my own room; my bed was made of pink plastic, and I owned a cardboard box full of barbies.

Waking up in a small bedroom for 1 person knowing the space isn't mine and I'll never get to have one really does something to you. I can't sing or dance in my own room as a teenage girl, I can't have any downtime, I can't cry, I don't have any privacy, I never will. I want to accept it but it's hard to.

You get used to sharing a room at some point, and I was for a bit. Until she decided to hate me. And she really does, I have no idea why. She used to talk about me to her friends online. Maybe she resents me because we've shared a room together for so long. I try not to be upset with her either. I just wished she took how I felt into consideration too.

"Sister, please stop shifting and rocking back in forth in your bed, you're messing up the wood and scratching the floor."

"No"

"Sister, please stop talking out loud and singing throughout the day, we share a room, and I'd like 1 second of quiet"

"No"

Between the shifting and rocking and talking and singing it's never quiet in here and that's all I want.

Just go into the living room? This cheap apartment has walls made of paper and the couch I'm not supposed to sit on is against the wall of my mother's room.

Between her music and tv and singing and crying,
Between the next doors neighbor's dog barking and their music their arguing
Between the upstairs neighbor's children crying and their stomping their banging it's never quiet out there and that's all I want.

If I had my own room, I'd blast my cd's and drown out their noise, I'd be able to lock my door and dance, I could cry and laugh and I'd just be alone, that's all I want. But everything is happening everywhere, and I have nowhere to be alone and think.
kamisokay: (Default)
2025-01-29 10:24 pm

Happy New Year's

I think our family is starting a new tradition. The mother gets super drunk and drives to a new year's party.
The eldest daughter and her mother argue over something stupid after she comes home, and mom forgets it the next day.
Even if this isn't becoming a tradition, (God I hope not) it's strange this exact scenario has happened the exact same 2 years in a row!


As for my academic update:

I feel more confident taking the test now! :)
I passed the practice English test with a really high score! I've always been good at English, so I wasn't really worried about that.

My mom still gets drunk and contradicts herself about how many tests she wants me to take at a time.
I broke down crying a month or two ago about the test and I guess that made her go easier on me about the whole thing. I still choke up talking about testing, but I just have issues when it comes to school and stuff, I just feel like I'll never be smart enough. I need to start studying for Social Studies.

You know, Sometimes I miss public school. God. The anxiety public school gave me would be enough to kill a normal person, I think. I enjoyed riding the bus and listening to the other kids talk with each other. I had friends, but this was elementary and early middle school. Everyone was still nice back then. I couldn't imagine talking to kids my age now... I'd be dead before I even got to say hello.

And other issues:

I'm still a hot mess; I've gotten better and smiling and eating Infront of people. Sometimes I feel like I overdo it because I'm not exactly sure how to be normal. :/ (How quirky)
I space out a lot and my head is filled with so much more noise!!!! It's annoying when you're watching something and realize you were spaced out, reading too. -_-

It's called disassociating, but I don't like using words like that for myself. It's like I'm trying to tell people there's something ACTUALLY wrong with me LOL
There really isn't, I just think too much.
Here's to a somewhat decent 2025!
kamisokay: (Default)
2024-09-26 05:34 pm

sad

I feel like a real a loser
I've made up this idealized version of myself and get baffled when I look into the mirror and don't see her.

I act so different towards people I like and I'm so paranoid that the real me will start slipping through the cracks, everyone'll start hating me & I'll be alone forever...
kamisokay: (Default)
2024-09-21 12:28 pm

studying

I don't think I've truly ever felt THIS dumb before.

There are things I don't understand sometimes, but that's fine! It happens to everyone. But this year feels different. I'm studying things I should already know - that I'm sure I DO know. But I'm really pulling out my hair because the words and numbers are all jumbled and everyone around me just seems so much smarter. what's wrong with me?? I don't think I'm that incompetent? Why can't I understand the way other kids understand. It's not fair!!! Everything is just soo easy for them. They don't feel useless every time someone gets a question they were struggling with right.

we're all the same age learning the same things. why can't I just get it?